Why Be Normal

One fine day while applying a bumper sticker to my van...
The bumper sticker read, WHY BE NORMAL, so naturally, I was applying it upside down for maximum effect.
An elderly woman that was watching from the passenger seat of another nearby vehicle called me over to her.
"Young man", she said, "People have told me that all I need is the letter "L", and I could be NORMAL."
Then she smiled and said, "My name is Norma."

DEAD HEAD

I woke up laying on my arm in such a way that I lost all feeling in it.
It was like it wasn't even attached.

Not that tingley kind of asleep, either.

Pure Dead Weight!

When I tried to roll over, it was like an anchor.

I touched it with my other hand and tried to lift it, but it was too heavy. I didn't have the leverage. I couldn't even feel my hand on it.

It was so weird!

After wrestling with it for a few minutes it slowly regained feeling.

It got me thinking, though...

What if that happened to your head?

I mean, you wake up and your head is just hanging off your shoulders like a bowling ball that some maniacal scientist had grafted onto you in your sleep?

You try holding it up with your hands, but you can't feel it well enough to get a hold of it.

So, now your trying to get down the stairs to get to the bathroom mirror to see if in fact your head is still there, and this bowling ball is just flopping back and forth knocking things off the wall. You slip in all the drool and fall head first down the steps!?

I guess I'm lucky that this time it was only my arm. This time!

If it ever does happen, though, I'll be ready.

I've set up some bowling pins at the bottom of the stairs.

That One Thing

This is only a test.
I have nothing to write about.
It is late.
It is twenty degrees outside.
My cat is sprawled out on the floor.
Next to the wood stove.
Here in my kitchen.
Next to me.
As I type this.
The radio is playing trance music.
I am enjoying my beer.
(Magic Hat "Blind Faith", I.P.A.)
The candles are burning.
Ambiance.
Atmosphere.
Peace.
There is nothing that could make me feel any more content with my world right now.
Almost nothing.
Almost nothing.
The music is hypnotic.
The fire is comforting.
My cat is my muse.
I am happy.
But for one thing.
If I had that one thing.
Just one thing.
Tonight.
...yeah.

Fatso Pussycat, Kill Kill

My cat is staring at me.

I am casually enjoying my evening at home,

but my cat is staring at me.

I have a comfortable home. It's a cozy castle heated by fire.

I don't work tomorrow, so I am enjoying a few cocktails tonight.

And, she stares at me!

Sitting in my lazy-boy recliner is my fat little Cayo.

She always gets the good seat.

I would sit on the floor before I would make her move.

She knows that.

And still, she stares.

Intimidating me.

Waiting for me to fuck up.

But, I am her primary care provider.

My wood stove is blazing, the outside temp is plummeting, and even tho she is sprawled out luxuriously in a cozy nest of blankets in MY lazy-boy, she stares at me.

"What!?"

"Jesus! "

"What!?"

She is waiting for me to pass out. I know it!

You should see the size of the mice she brings home to eat in front of me. She is working herself up to something bigger...

O.K. I may be paranoid, but...

Well, I really can't talk now.

She suspects something.

She is staring at me.

I am here for her.

Do YOU have a cat?

or...Does a cat... have YOU?

I, MONSTER

I was sitting here watching a horror movie a few nights ago. (You know the type. Where some lost travelers make a wrong turn, and the unseen local psycho gets them, one by one.) Then , I found myself looking over my shoulder a couple times in response to the surround sound on my entertainment system.
Now... I know... that there is no one behind me.
I live in the middle of the woods, on a mountain-top, at the end of a dead end road, and I can plainly see if anyone is even remotely near.
Still...
I jump at the heavy breathing of "I'm gonna get you."
hehe,
at this point I laugh to my self when I realize, hey, the middle of the woods? The end of a long dead end road? The middle of nowhere on a dark night?
If there IS anyone out there, THEY are the ones that should be scared!
...I ...am at home
... I... AM the MONSTER!
... "I ...am going to get ...YOU!"

TERRITORIAL PISSINGS

As I look around my castle, I notice that many of my possessions are adorned with stickers.
I just realized that they are my territorial pissings.
Objects that I've always had, and always will have, are meticulously decorated with stickers (mostly of a rock n roll theme) and have been dubbed ...Rock n Roll Trunk, Rock n Roll Stools, Rock n Roll Blender, etc... They keep me safe.
Whenever I relocate, they are around me, and I know that I am at home.
My pissing is done tastefully, and I never waste a sticker on something like a stereo component, or doors and walls. Those things are temporary objects in my life. They will die or I will leave them, and a good sticker will be with me forever.
I like my stickers, they are memories.
I also save special stickers by putting them on magnets. Now I can have a Rock n Roll Refridgerator where ever I go.
They keep me safe. I will always treasure my stickers.
I will always be safe.
Safe in my castle.
My Rock n Roll Castle,
here,
on Planet Dandy.